CK.

My life ended that morning too, at least my old life did. 9:42 in the morning. A time I’d almost always be clutching the cold side of my pillow. Not that day.

“No. No. No. He’s my best friend.”

That’s all I can remember saying the day my brother passed. I couldn't speak.

The loss of my brother shattered me to the core. I roamed around the earth hopeless for months. I was in my physical body, yet I felt like a ghost. I couldn’t move forward, and I didn’t until one day I finally began to heal.

For me, one of the most difficult parts of missing Chris was hearing others dreams about him. For 8 months, I had only been able to see Chris within a nightmare. A nightmare where he yells my name for help, but I can't move; those were torture. One cool night in April, I couldn't get CK out of my mind.

"I could've saved him."

"I should've seen that something was wrong."

Those thoughts devastated my heart over and over.

It was then I knew I needed to see one of my best friends, Frankie Eisenkerch. After about two minutes of conversation over the phone, she told me to come to her dorm at Point Loma Nazerene. It’s easy to get lost in the illusion of college, but being with Frankie always felt like home and centered me.

As I fell asleep that night, I woke in a dream. I was surrounded by what seemed to be a war-scene. Fire, isolation, and confusion, I ran around in my dream looking for somewhere to go. But, I wasn’t physically fighting anyone. Today, I realize the reason I was alone was because I was fighting myself. I felt like moving on without CK was a crime, so I didn't.

And then, I saw him. An angel coming to save me from my own self-destruction. I ran to him furiously, holding him so tightly in my arms. I asked him to tell me everything. “Where have you been all this time?”

He said to me, “Wait. Sis. Can you hear me right now?”

I replied, “Yes I can hear you and I can hug you too.”

“Sis, I’ve been screaming your name for months.”

“What? I haven’t heard anything. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I've always been with you. I'm sorry, but now, I have to go. We don’t have much time, but I came back to tell you something.”

“Well what is it?”

“You’re going to be okay sis. You’re going to live a beautiful life, and you will be so happy. But, I have to go.”

And with that instance, he was gone.

I haven’t seen him like that since.

I woke up in tears, because I knew. CK has always been a role model, big brother, and best friend all rolled into one for me. I knew that CK had come back to tell me that he couldn’t rest until I began to heal. The tears streamed down and down my face. I knew that it was time to allow myself to move on; if I wasn’t going to do it for myself, I had to do it for Chris. Considering the beautiful life he had led me to live, I had to let him go. I had to let him rest.

I still miss my brother every day. I miss the way he couldn’t resist rolling the windows down and putting his sunglasses on when “Promiscuous” played in the car. I miss the way he customized his midnight snacks, and watched “Gladiator” until he could recite the whole movie. I miss the 3 months we spent locked in his room because his dog Archer had a broken hip, and he always wanted to make sure he was okay. We would only go upstairs for snacks. He would play video games, and I would read. I miss the way he couldn’t say just “hi”; it always had to be, “sup sis” or “what’s up yo”. I miss our LegoLand trips, and the 15 basketballs he would win for me as a kid. Obviously I couldn’t take 15 basketballs home, so he would walk around handing them out to kids that wanted one.

I can only imagine what kind of husband he would have been; what kind of father he would have been.

The truth is, my brother didn’t get to finish his story in life. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t, or that I can’t, or anyone can’t because of painful things that happen in our lives. CK’s passion for life and the people in it is something that I’ll try to replicate every day for the rest of my life. He lived passionately and fearlessly. Now, obviously I wish my brother was still here with me. But, the imprint he left on my soul will remain for all eternity. Some bonds cannot be broken, and ours is one of those. If my brother taught me anything, it’s that time is precious. Every moment is a blessing.

My brother is the reason I live my life the way I do. He’s the reason these words stand before you.

Thank you CK, for being the best part of me. Some day, when I get to heaven, I know God’s going to say, “Daughter, I’m so happy to see you, but I have someone in there who’s been waiting for you.” I know it’s going to be you. You are always with me. I see you in every concert, in the waves that crash on the beach, and in every book in the library.

I love you CK, being your little sister is the greatest thing I’ll ever get to be.